I Just Love Sarcasm

Who was the genius who invented sarcasm? She must have said to herself, "Hmm, I think I'll say the exact opposite of what I mean, roll my eyes and call it the truth. Oh, and if you can't see my eyes, I'll put a little intonation in my voice that will mean I don't really believe what I'm saying and neither should you. Then, if you if you don't get the clues from my face and or my voice, I'll just put two positives together and call it a negative. As in, 'I'm going to push the car. Yeah, right. Get your mother to push the car.'" Then, who, upon hearing these words could not easily, logically, and immediately, discern the truth and veracity of the utterance. Is this not an inventive, genius logical math major at work. Got it? Ok, let's see how it works. "Thanks. Nice, job, buddy." Did you almost say "You're welcome. I'm glad you appreciate all the preparation and thought I put into it?" You missed the eye roll, didn't you? Translation: "Loser! You failed."

Sarcasm -- cousin to the pun, the lowest form of humor -- is the unsophisticated sibling of irony. Some would say they're twins. One of the Oxford English Dictionary's definitions of irony is "a figure of speech in which the intended meaning is the opposite of that expressed by the words used". How could that possibly be the same as sarcasm? Irony, the "sophisticated" one, is an indirect form of communication, often used to convey feelings. Sarcasm, on the other hand, usually implies criticism of the target. (That is, if he "get's" it.) I can't think how sarcasm could be used in a positive way to encourage or build up. As a practical matter, it usually conveys disapproval, contempt, and scorn. That's not verbal abuse, is it? Hell, the Geneva Convention bars that of POWs. How has our civilization come so far without a "Geneva Convention" for relationships.

Perhaps we fail to see the humor. Sarcasm, if related to the pun, must be funny. It must be the sophistication in me, but I don't find it funny standing in front of the firing squad with a blindfold on waiting for the sound of Don Rickle's mouth as the executioner's rifle to put me out of my misery.

Maybe sarcasm should be confined to law. I think it should be used more often as a legal maneuver. I want to lobby to outlaw perjury and replace it with sarcasm. "I wasn't lying on the witness stand, I was being sarcastic." While we're at it, there wouldn't be the need for the Fifth Amendment anymore, either, then. You could say anything you want on the witness stand and it could be understood either by the prosecution or the defense. How could you incriminate yourself with the "Sarcasm Defense?" How could you prosecute anyone for a serious bomb threats? "Sure, I said there was a bomb on the plane, but I was being sarcastic. I rolled my eyes"

Would you believe they've even conducted scientific research on sarcasm. (I wonder what these researchers home-life was like.) The researchers discovered that the subjects had "impaired sarcasm scores" when they had the equivalent of a pre-frontal lobotomy. Frankly, I find my sarcasm scores increase with a bottle in front of me. I found it amusing that the authors of the research paper couldn't escape sarcasm even when describing an imaging scan of the brain: "Note that in the picture, ... left is right."

Another thing I found amusing about the scientific article was it's source: University of Haifa, Israel. Couldn't the Jewish authors just as easily have stayed home and asked their mothers for some good Yiddish sarcasm? "Oy, you never call, you never write, you don't care if your mother dies."

Along the same line, there's a book for those who are a sarcastically impaired on How to Raise a Jewish Dog. Instead of "Sit" or "Come," it's "Fine. Do what you want. I hope you have a nice life." I say, save it for the dog. "Why don't you just sit there, or are you going to come when I call you?" If his prefrontal lobe is not damaged, maybe he knows the answer. You could use the same logic to write a book called "How to Raise Emotionally Damaged and Intellectually Confused Children through Sarcasm and Verbal Abuse."

Some say that sarcasm is an equal to wit. At the very least, they say it takes a certain wit to engage in the repartee that requires you to think of what you want to convey, then utter the opposite. A wit, however, is one with exceptional intelligence. If wit is the gun and sarcasm is the bullet, my advice is, before you pull the trigger on that remark, make sure your gun is loaded.

To be sure, sarcasm does have it's place. It has its place, just as sadism has it's place in sex. Sarcasm has it's place, just as a B-2 bomber has its place in shock and awe. Sarcasm has its place in the arsenal of control as a thinly veiled attack. Sarcasm has it's place just as "whatever" or "sure" have a place in in our lexicon to condemn a person's point of view. Sarcasm has a place in setting the tone for future discussion which abandons honest discussion. Sarcasm has its place in frustrating and sabotaging legitimate conversation.

And, no, I'm not being sarcastic.

Teapot